Lost and Far Away

sun-leaves-537x357

Yoseph wrote a short little piece about our walk the other day.

“I miss you.”

“What? But I’m right here.”

“I know, but…I miss you.”

We walked around aimlessly for another ten minutes, chatting a little here and there about nothing in particular.
The sun wasn’t quite setting yet, but it was getting lower and its color grew deeper as if to prepare for the sunset, bathing
the evening in golden light. Once in a while, we stopped to admire the scenery; a little picturesque house
with a garden, or a tree with the sunlight shining through its branches, dotting the
ground beneath with little specks of light that vanished when we cast our shadows over them. She talked about the flora
she learned about in her plant Biology class, pointing out the anatomy of the flowers and the trees to me while I stared and nodded.
I held tightly to her hand and didn’t let go. Sometimes I feel like we’re so far away. Maybe that’s why she says she misses me.

Finally, we sat down on a bench and stayed there for a while, silently regarding the world before us, and thinking
about the world behind.

We sat there, completely still. We had only walked for half an hour, but it felt like we were a million miles away,
in some time and place that didn’t exist.

Suddenly, she put her hand on my shoulder, as if startled by something. The stillness broke, and we came back to where we were,
only a few blocks away from our dorm.

“What was that for?” I asked.

“Nothing. I was just making sure you were really there.”

Overwhelming Sadness

 

To feel like your heart is being wrung out like a wet washcloth… to feel the tightness in your chest and to feel hot tears running down your cheeks..

I am remembering.

Of the times when I felt like I was the happiest person in the world.  Of the times when I did not even think of dying.  The times when I was so scared that this would only be temporary.  The times when I was head over heels in the sweep you off your feet type of romantic love.

To remember when I first saw that person.  To remember the magical feeling of meeting that person again and again.. as though fate planned our encounters. To remember when I first heard that confession… that slightly loud confession when we were alone on the tennis courts.. to spend hours playing tennis, then resting together watching the clouds pass above us… and then to spend our nights pouring out our secrets and struggles..

I am remembering.. also of the heart-wrenching pain.. the pain of losing all of this happiness.. losing my best friend.. losing the love of my life.. losing my hope.. my pride.. everything I chose to live for..

The pain of that love leaving me. Abandoning me. Hurting me. Scarring me. It felt as though I lost all meaning of life.  Without happiness and purpose, what reason was there to live?  I was wandering aimlessly before our magical relationship.  I did not wish to return to the days where sadness and pain followed me day by day.

Even after two years, the pain and desire have not left me.  I wish to see the eyes that enchanted me.  The voice which called my name so sweetly.  The gentle touches that left me craving for more…

However.. a new love came into my life.  A boy- nearly a year younger than me.  Stubborn as a rock with a heart of gold.  Strongly unique with qualities I yearn..

I was charmed by his simple blasé nature and by his prowess at creating the most beautiful origami lilies and roses.. but, I was most captivated when I heard him speak merely two words to describe himself.. “classy and magical.”  How interesting that we would be drawn to each other so slowly..

This confession was not outright.. but, it seemed as though I interested him and caught his attention.  We had a slow start, but we grew closer right from the start.  We were so comfortable with each other.  It was interesting to note that we were nearly polar opposites to each other, but there was something.. something that resonated.. something that drew us towards each other.

He was stable. He was emotionally stable and he was a hope and a blessing for me.  He would be able to help me get through this world without falling into a depression..  I fell in love with him after a few months.. it took quite a bit for me to accept him.. but, I still cannot forget my past love..

How terrible am I to cause him to suffer so.. How malicious am I to constantly bring the past up as a comparison…

He is a friend of the highest breed.. dependable, loyal, and trustworthy.  But, do I or will I love him enough to be able to forget my past love?  As of now, I can merely pray and hope that I will be able to love him with all of my being and forget the past..

Relax and Reflect

3940190244_03a7f32289

The life of being an “observer of reality” has abruptly ended.. I did not even recognize when I joined life and took on an active role.  The person who brought me into life and let me want to partake in the emotions I usually ignore.. is such a puzzle to me.

How can a person love someone who doesn’t belong in this world?  As I write this out, I notice my conflicted self full of contradictions.  Accepting my humanity and living life by engaging with others isn’t half bad, but I am now unable to watch myself from afar and consciously see the true unbiased view.

I am so full of puzzles and contradictions.. I have an unusually compassionate and doting heart, yet I hold the strong capacity of being heartless and cold.  The different “parts” of me each hold a distinct view of what she believes is truth in the world.  How unfortunate that I have fallen out of neutrality.

May God protect me in the upcoming troubles.